The Adventure Inside

Have you ever had one of those experiences that you can't explain? One that shakes you to your core and makes you question who you are? That was me this last week. When I first came to Germany, I never thought that those deep dark fears would ever come back up again. Why would they? I'm strong and powerful enough to handle this on my own...nope. I would wrestle with the pains of my past, whether that is rejection, humiliation, shame, guilt, pride, lust, and so many other things. I see these parts of my past, and I tell myself that I have them under control, those things no longer affect me...yea, that's not the case. All of these things came roaring back into my life this past week. I felt so worthless in so many ways. I wondered why God would even use someone like me ever. How can I show the love of God to anyone if I can't even show love to myself? No matter what encouragement people would show me, I would reject it because I was so caught up in how worthless I felt. I questioned every part of who I was and it was a pretty sad little picture...and God completely shattered that. 

In Psalm 42, David cries out saying, "Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!" That's how I felt, if I had a conversation with my heart it would have gone something like this.

Me: Hey Heart, how you doing?

Heart: Eh, I'm okay, been really sad lately.

Me: Why are you so sad?

Heart: Well, remember that stupid thing you did 10 years ago? 5 years ago? 1 year ago? *Insert every stupid thing I ever did* I feel worthless because of all of that.

Me: Well now I'm sad. Thanks a lot. 

At the end of the Psalm, David changed the tune a bit though. He spends most of this song saying why am I sad or this really sucks where are you God? At the end of that Psalm though, he says, I will put my hope in God. I will praise Him. I think that is really powerful. I love the way that he does not keep the song sad but that he adds a little bit of hope to the end of it.

I try to live my life with this concept of life is an adventure. While we like to focus on the dragon slaying, treasure hunting, and elves in the adventure, we forget about the dark parts. Every adventure has its dark parts (spoilers ahead you have been warned I am letting out my inner nerd): In the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe when Aslan died and Susan and Lucy were lying besides him, everything appeared hopeless. When George Lucas made the horrible love story between Padme and Anakin in Star Wars Episode 2 everything appeared hopeless for the most epic saga ever. When Gandalf died in the fight with the Balrog, everything appeared hopeless. Are you noticing a pattern? There are going to be days when everything appears hopeless. Whether it is because of loneliness, being in a foreign country, or feeling like a little hobbit against the world, adventures are not always easy. The question that we have to face is what we do with the adventure in front of us.

I have made my choice. That choice is to keep going, after the death of Aslan there was the resurrection of Aslan, after the horrors of Episode 2 there was Episode 3, after Gandalf the Grey there was Gandalf the White, and after the darkness of night there is the sunrise of the dawn. For me that sunrise was deciding to focus my eyes on who God is, to stop wallowing in self pity and instead to see just how remarkable and amazing He is. As it turns out, the adventure is never about the treasure anyway, its about the change inside. 

Until Next Time,

Jacob Bush