Further Up and Further In

There is a quote towards the end of one of C.S. Lewis's best books called the Last Battle. The quote goes like this, "'I've come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now...Come further up, come further in!" That's how I have come to feel these last few weeks. No, not about Germany. Germany is not my home (that may change one day, that may not I'll keep you posted on that). Germany is a wonderful place along the way and so is Idaho. They are both incredibly beautiful places filled with people who mean the world to me...but they are not home.

Throughout this life, I think we get this idea that if we can get to one particular spot then we will be happy and that everything will come along easily to us and that we won't have any troubles. That looks like a lot of things, whether that is in relationships, money, or our heart's desires. I wouldn't have admitted it to myself, but I felt that coming to Germany was going to be a fairly easy transition...yea that was not the case (if you don't believe me take a look at some of the previous blogs). It was easily the most difficult thing that I have ever faced. In the tears, the sadness, the hurt, the joy, and the laughter, I knew that I needed to be here even when I did not want to be. I had this idea in my head that once I came to Germany everything would go smoothly and that God would do amazing things...God has done amazing things, but not in the way that I would expect him to do so (It kind of works out that way doesn't it)

When things began to be difficult, I started to tear myself down. Why wasn't I good enough to live here? Was I a failure? This continued off and on for several weeks. I felt discouraged and depressed some of the time and overjoyed and excited at other points. Slowly but surely, God has shown me that to follow Him where I need to be requires a huge dosage of grace and a lot of love. When God came to this world, He did not come with fire and brimstone but love and compassion. That's who I want to serve. So, as I go through this last week and a half (I know crazy right?) I want grace. Grace for myself, that when I mess up and make mistakes, its okay. Because to be home is to be in God's grace. It is not a place, it is grace.

Further up and further in, to the arms of God I will go. As I serve and live in Deutschland or the States, in his grace I will be blessed. Not for my glory, not for my praise, but for the grace that God freely gave. When I who was dead and cursed, found in God my second birth.

Further up and further in,
Jacob Bush